shattered thoughts combined

Subconsciously conscious….

I am feeling scrupled with this entry for the fear of this having to be a melancholic outburst.. yet, again. Every time I try to express my emotions through words,there is always a hint of sadness and gloom that for my knowing is a product of the subconscious. 

I have been constantly occupied with questions on “what is gonna happen next?” or “if it’s my time, then what would it be like?”. These questions are a paradox to the human mind. However, unseemingly unanswerable as they are, these questions hold a certain mystery in them that is yet to unfold… when the time comes.

These past few months have been a hurdle of challenge for me physically and emotionally. Having to witness a loved one struggling with life and yet embraces it with optimism and strength is something worth appreciating that somehow lifts your spirits up. It is a strong, powerful and in-depth exudation of hope and tranquility in the midst of a death threatening situation. There goes the question, “if it’s my time, what’s it gonna be like, then?” The fear of tomorrow stirs up questions of “what ifs” only with a wavering faith, so I praise my Lord and Savior for instilling in me hope in the most hopeless situations and that no matter what, He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

Will kindness be repaid with kindness? Will anger be repaid with anger? Littlest things you give to people, littlest love you share.. will they ever be given back to you? It’s not a question of principle on your motive of sharing but it is in the normalcy of “give and take” that creates the equilibrium in a relationship. Does it always have to be “when you’re good, you have to suffer” or “when you’re good, things are not going to be easy for you, given your positivity against all odds?”..Does it always have to be a test of patience? Does it always have to end on a heroic act of sacrifice such as martyrdom or taking all the pain on the expense of others even if it’s bordering masochism?

Taking an excerpt from a movie., “I live in a sea full of people, pretending to be who they are not” gives me a realization that definitely it has some truth in it. 

That leaves me so unsure if I still believe in “love begets love”….

struck with fever…….

Lately, I have this feeling of being unproductive, spending so much time doing nothing, mostly staring up the ceiling counting cobwebs, or just thinking about nothing.. my mind just gets lost on a trail of thought and often leaves me with a hollow vacuum of nothingness… I’m not suffering from a mental breakdown, it’s just my brain is so occupied, I don’t have enough memory to accommodate my brilliant ideas.. haha.. More so that I’m cramming for my exam next month or if I change my mind, next next month or the month after that.. (talk about procrastination).. If there is such a thing as your cerebral cortex gets rusty and fails to function due to lack of usage, that would probably be my present scenario.. How can I make it work again?? If thinking too much would elicit a response, I would squeeze my brain cells until they burst to get the engine starting. I would do that to get out of this pathetic state. 

I had a good chat with a friend just recently and she asked me if I’m still blogging, I told her I have forgotten about it for quite some time. She convinced me to get back to writing again because she is doing the same thing for herself and that there are a lot of things to write about— she gets overwhelmed by even just the idea of it… Let me say, she became my inspiration to unload my mental baggage and unspoken clamor of idleness and regression.. And if this writing exercise gets my brain to work again the normal (student-preparing-for-the-finals-kind-of-mindset).. I would definitely give her a cyber-hug for putting a light bulb on top of my head with a loud “ting” sound accompanying it. 

 I really don’t know if I still make sense with my litany here, but pardon me, this is still my space after all.. (justify)… 

Yes I’m in bed, ready to doze off, struck with fever from accidentally half-soaking myself in rain last night and yet forcing myself to make something sensible out of this post. Let me put a disclaimer at the bottom to clarify my being a no-brainer for the lack of sense.. at that.

Disclaimer: This is a writing exercise.. Feel free to leave a violent comment if I wasted your time reading. I’ll make up next time. I promise,… :)) 

..forever bliss

Every woman’s dream is to walk down the aisle, wearing a white dress and say those two words “I DO”… but going through the process of searching for Mr. Right, or somebody ideal that would well fit in your check list of “THE PERFECT GUY” becomes impossible to attain. So these girls settle for whoever is available and just hop in from one relationship to another, testing the waters.. depth, flowing current.. whether it’s safe to set sail on it smoothly. More often than not, it all leads down to a certain point of giving up and letting go and the cycle goes on and on and the wheel just take its turn unwittingly, forever.

You see it’s a risk getting into a relationship. It’s like using the scientific method on an experiment in which you get in to the hypothesis and give an educated guess if what you have with this guy would work out or not and you just have to try and try until you get it right.

As i perused my articles on this humble blog of mine (lulubog-lilitaw blog of mine.. :D), my last entry was almost over a year ago, and basing on my feeling as I was writing it, never have I imagined that after that span of time, I would be able to leap into the next level of my life.. (level-up to the max)..YES, I could consider getting married as a promotion in life.. something that not everybody would be eager to get into because again, yes! It is a risk, and YES, I am a married woman now! :)) and yes, it all happened so soon I was not even aware I already have this bond inserted on my ring finger while I’m tapping the keys now.. and it just feels so good. Gone is the fickle, pessimistic-minded me… Gone are the old ways of worrying too much for what would happen next because it gives me this sense of security I have never felt before masking my easy going/comfortable/no-worries LIFE.. (you think).. I have finally tied the knot with my boyfriend for four years.:) We always talk about how we get through the hustle and bustle of the wedding preparations because listening to the testimonies of some couples, they say that STRESS is always present during those times. Oh well, we were stressed but not to an uncontrollable level. Our wedding was a fruit of our family’s love. It won’t be possible without those who are dear to us extending their support and help even to the minutest details  of the event. It was not the wedding of the decade, grand and down-right expensive with the rarest of flowers and rarest of jewels kind-of wedding, it’s far from the perceivable dreamy happy-ever-after-fairy tale kind of wedding but it was perfect all throughout for me. 

So they say, it’s not the wedding day that has to be grand but the highlight should be the life after the wedding in which we are both enjoying now. To all the women in the world, to my beautiful friends who are still waiting in line for their “finally”. This I have to say, it’s not our idea of perfection that makes the relationship perfect, it is how we tighten loose ends, correcting the mistakes and making the imperfect perfect… how? If you know you won’t regret it and if you are so sure you’d feel “forever bliss” with this person then you have reached your “finally”. 

(Source: yanilavigne)

is it just me?.. or is it really a cycle?

did it occur to you that constant genuine happiness has a price??? i just have this fear of feeling happy for a period of time because it seems like disaster is just hiding from a corner ready to attack when you least expect it.. just got lost in my thoughts again.. 

its better this way

No matter how hard it is to get through the pain..its better if two parties agreed to let go of each other, than leave one person longing and expecting for nothing.. its time to move on and create a better version of yourself.